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March 23, 2011 / fcapuno

Thinking too much?

Who knows what I’m thinking anymore… New picture though. Unfortunately, it ended up being this character.

Violet Subrisi

Who is this? Violet Subrisi, the Muse of Heaven. She’s a Homestuck fan character in a sense.

In a way, I tend to use even fan characters as a reflection of my own feelings. Violet already being a pretty depressing character and a fairly pessimistic one at that. She strives for just that little bit of hope only to be knocked down again. Though, that’s only her character. Yet, at the same time, I somewhat feel like that. At least considering what’s been going on around me, yet I only seem to allude horrible things in these entries. I’m seriously just danging food in front of a hungry dog with this.

Am I hurt? Yes. I feel absolutely terrible and loathe waking and going to sleep. Both are equally undesirable… It’s agonizing to think that I can’t find solace in my own subconscious but unfortunately, it’s been plagued by numerous nightmares as of late.

Will I live? Of course. It’s not like the end of the world came raining on my parade. Sure I’ll feel a bit down here and there but I’ll get over stuff eventually.

Can I actually deal with it right now? Not really… Which is why I ended up writing about all this. Truthfully? I’m absolutely miserable.

Ways out? I’ve thought of several. One of which include leaving the country, something I never even wanted to fathom before, but there’s nothing for me here now. I dug my own grave and I’m almost out of time. There isn’t enough time to change anything at all. I might as well just duck out and disappear…

Will it happen? In spite of all this, only time will tell…

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